Is Love Enough? What Couples Need Beyond Chemistry to Make Marriage Work

“We just fell out of love.”

We’ve all heard that before, right? It’s often the reason given when a marriage ends. And on the surface, it sounds valid, until we dig a little deeper.

As a counselling practice offering marital and premarital counselling in Calgary, I meet many couples who are deeply in love but struggling with the day-to-day realities of building a life together. So, what does it take to actually build a life?

Love is important. It’s often what inspires us to consider forever with someone. But it can also blind us to other essential areas we need to consider when choosing a life partner.

Let’s seriously think about this: What do we really need in a future spouse when the goal is forever?

I’m not talking about superficial traits like height or eye colour (ask my wife, height didn’t matter!). When we get down to it, most things fall into four foundational pillars. Below, I’ve included the 4 pillars and a few “be concerned if…” scenarios to show how these pillars can play out in real relationships.

1. Shared Values

Be concerned if…

• They attend church with you because you’ve asked them to, but are they doing it only because you’ve asked? Don’t expect that to continue after marriage. If faith is a core value for you, it needs to be a genuine shared priority.
  

• Your family celebrates Christmas Eve every year in matching pajamas singing around the piano, and your partner finds it over the top. They might tolerate it now, but in ten years, it likely won’t feel cute anymore.

2. Shared Future Plans

Be concerned if…

• You dream of snowbirding in Arizona after retirement, but your partner wants to stay close to their family, and you both say, “We’ll figure it out later.” You might. But you might not. Then what?
  

• You’ve always wanted kids. Your partner hasn’t, but says they “might get there.” How central is starting a family to your vision for the future?

3. Shared Financial Goals

Be concerned if…

• You want to work hard in your early years and retire early. They’d rather enjoy life now and work longer, after all, a long retirement isn’t guaranteed.
  

• They just paid off their vehicle, while you’re eyeing the newest model of your SUV and counting down the days until your lease is up. Are you aligned on how to make financial decisions together?

4. Shared Hobbies

Be concerned if…

• You’re planning your annual cruise. They’re planning their next backpacking trip. What do your shared vacation plans look like? It’s totally fine to have separate interests, but you need some crossover.
  

• “Couples that play together stay together.” Corny? Maybe. But true. You don’t need to do everything together, but you should have enough shared activities that you enjoy doing together, enough that you won’t be left wondering what to do when the kids leave the house.

If love is the engine that drives us toward marriage, what are the steering mechanisms that help us build a relationship that not only survives, but thrives?

Final Thought:

Love is the spark.

But marriage? That’s the whole fire.

And fires need tending.

If you’re dating or engaged and want to set your relationship up for success, check out our premarital counselling in Calgary, we’d love to help you build a love that lasts.

👉 Ready to go deeper than love? Book a premarital counselling session today.

👉 Are you married and have run into some “value misalignment” speed bumps similar to the ones we detailed above? Book a marriage counselling session today.